I know you’ve given me so much and that you’ve bear the burden of raising me for so long. I love you, you are the most important people in my life, but I need my freedom. I don’t want to be in guilt from hiding out of fear that you will hurt me because I hurt you.
Your happiness & wellbeing in both lives matter to me. But so does mine. And I would like you to understand that we may have different meanings and approaches to happiness. And that this is mine. Please respect it. The way I have towards yours for many years in my life.
I want to breathe.
And I believe I can breathe without the expense of your breath.
So long as you’re willing to understand me —
so long as you’re willing to trust and accept me,
Waktunya tahun baru, sesaat lagi. Akhirnya akan ada tahun dimana aku jauh darimu. Sebuah alasan untuk tidak menyakitimu lagi. Dan semoga alasan yang sama untuk tidak menyakiti diriku sendiri.
Dari kecil, mamah selalu mengajarkanku tentang Tuhan: menanam kepercayaan atas keberadaanNya, mengenalkanku dengan Maha KuasaNya. Mamah bilang, hanya kepadaNya kita bisa mengeluh —bercerita tanpa merasa kita telah menghabiskan waktuNya. Mungkin memang aku yang sedikit terlalu manusia dan terlalu membutuhkan sesuatu yang bisa meyakinkanku bahwa semuanya telah diatur (hence, akan baik-baik saja). Tetapi, aku senang memiliki Tuhan. Tuhan yang Maha Pengasih, lagi Maha Penyayang. Yang Maha Mengetahui keadaanku dan masa depanku pula, dalam dunia ini maupun dunia nantinya. Rasanya sangat menenangkan untuk berpegang teguh kepadaNya. Aku selalu tahu kemana arah jalan pulang dan untuk siapa aku berlari. Itu semua berkat anugerah iman kepadaNya yang telah Ia berikan kepadaku, lewat mamah seorang (aku hanya berharap Ia tidak akan mencabut itu dariku).
Dan aku beruntung karena Tuhanku adalah Dia: Allah yang Maha Baik. Dalam hal memberi dan dalam hal mengambil. Ia tahu apa yang seharusnya untukku dan apa yang seharusnya tidak. Dan untuk sekarang, entah sampai kapan, sebagian dari apa yang seharusnya bukan untukku adalah kamu. Sama halnya aku bukan untukmu.
Sakit, but it was necessary to see things in retrospect. Karena dalam kehilanganmu dan dalam keputusanku untuk kehilangan orang lain, aku diberikan sesuatu.
Now that an entire semester has passed, where should I begin?
Mungkin sudah saatnya kamu melupakan apa yang memang tidak pernah diartikan untukmu. Mungkin sudah saatnya untuk akhirnya membuka diri kepada kemana ini akan membawamu. Walaupun masih sakit, aku yakin suatu hari kamu akan pulih; dan aku yakin kamu akan menerima lebih dari apa yang kamu inginkan.
Jangan putus asa sekarang-
You are more than just a fallen dream.
-Jakarta, 28 July 2017
Tidak disangka sudah hampir satu semester aku lewati disini, di Institut Terbaik Bangsa*. Ya, aku sadar bahdwa ini semua hanya akan berjalan untuk dua tahun, dan setelah itu aku harus berpisah dengan mereka ke negara asing. Maka dari itu, aku ingin mencoba lari sejauh mungkin diwaktu 2 tahun ini. Aku telah membuka diri ke hal-hal yang dulunya aku anggap “taboo” dan aku sedang mencoba untuk tidak terikat kepada sesuatu yang dari awalnya memang bukan untuk mengikatku. Dunia ini, dan kepercayaanku atasnya, lebih dari hanya sebuah tulisan. Aku sadar bahdwa aku harus lebih terbuka & lebih menerima.
Bersama dengan itu, aku yakin Tuhan ingin aku mencoba untuk lari sejauh mungkin. Sebelum akhirnya waktuku disini habis. Ini hanyalah awal dari penjelajahanku. Dan aku berharap, pada akhirnya, aku bisa berlari lebih jauh dari apa yang awalnya aku bayangkan.
-Bandung, 28 November 2017
I am well aware that 5 months is an awfully long time to not appear in writing. That I’ve gone beyond people’s remembrance of my blog’s existence to even write here anymore. Within that time, however, I found myself experiencing an abundance of things that I would often bookmark as something I’d write about. But I could never find the right words to illustrate them correctly. To tell you the truth, I have made several attempts to write again but they always end up as unfinished drafts that would leave me unsatisfied with how lacking I am in my flow of words. In fact, writing this now, I have absolutely no expectations of delivering these words to you knowing just how terrible I have been with my blog. Regardless, I am still here writing.
Anyhow, remember when I wrote about crying two days in a row out of ‘plain fear’ when I learned that ITB had accepted me (that plain fear being the realisation that I would not pursue my undergraduate degree in America)? Well, I think those two days have changed me incredibly, in a way that I am now numb towards whatever life proffers to me. Between those two days, I felt something inside of me poured empty. There is nothing left there, and that nothingness had morphed me, almost immediately. I don’t know whether or not that’s a good thing: that I no longer expect a lot of things from life, but I realise that that has helped me experience things in a more pleasantly surprising way.
When I first introduced myself to Bandung, say, I was pleasantly surprised at how brisk the atmosphere was; especially around the boarding house I lived in for three months before moving to a more commodious space. The tiny room I had occupied was equipped with two very broad windows which allowed natural light and wind to enter very easily so I would always open them as far as they could go. In the morning when I wake up all groggy, the room would be filled with an unbearable chill piercing into my body: I had to first close the windows to sleep in.
I shared the same experience when it comes to meeting the friends that I have now. To tell you the truth, I walked into ITB with absolutely no intensions of making friends. I wanted to graduate as soon as possible, with no strings attached to any human being. And I had my faculty’s benefit for that: in the School of Business and Management, it only takes us three years to complete our degree. But that all changed when I decided to meet the other new students of the international class who transferred from Abu Dhabi over breakfast, right before re-registration hour, and when someone courageously gathered all the *noisy people into one, (anti-)depressing, group, that of which consisted of people I would have never imagined to be friends with.
Because I don’t yet want to introduce these wonderful human beings to you and end up writing a novel about how things unravelled from there on, I thought it would be better to keep quiet about this first, especially noting how terrible I am at procedural writings. But yes, life happened to want me friends. And truthfully, I don’t hate it.
It’s interesting to say that people from my past have said that I have gotten a lot happier. Which is true, because I am a lot happier than who I used to be. At the same time, however, I find myself breaking down emotionally, most of the times physically, because of how overwhelming the changes that I have had to endure have been.
What sort of changes?
Well, first of all, there’s this almost inevitable trend amongst college students (note: not applicable to everyone on certain conditions) called “living alone” that subsequently carries “individualism” along with it too. As someone who’s never done a difficult day of work, who has the memory of a goldfish and the carelessness of a Zahra Thania towards money, deadlines, times of eating, and time in general, and who constantly has a personal driver who would take her as her heart pleases which consequently fails her at navigations, it’s plausible to say that I was not terrific at taking care of myself. In fact, I can not take care of myself as mannerly as other people. Which I suppose could explain why the only reason I ever really contact my parents is when I fall sick, or basically when my gastropathy and headaches come running to me like a train.
And then there’s also the academics that I have to keep up with. Although the studies in SBM aren’t tremendously challenging or at all difficult when compared to other faculties, since they are mostly comprised of exhibitions and group projects, managing the time and mind to actually sit down and study the core understanding of it, is. I’m sure that if I had the same ambitious drive back in high school, I wouldn’t be as disappointed with the results of this first semester. Regardless, I am not regretful.
All in all, now that the storm is over, I think it’s fair to say that although things didn’t work out as I have planned it to, I am wholeheartedly pleasant with how things turned out to be. It’s true. If God has decreed something for you, irrespective of your plans, desires, and sufferings, what will occur and how it will unravel is entirely up to God. Whether or not they seem to be in your favour, in the end, you will learn to understand that what God has decreed for you is what is most suited for you. You may not see it now, since your existence in His plans is not necessarily strictly until death, but you will come to see it some day.
In my case, I just happened to see it now after a long time hurting myself.
“Sometimes fate is like a small sandstorm that keeps changing directions. You change direction but the sandstorm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before dawn. Why? Because this storm isn’t something that blew in from far away, something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you. Something inside of you. So all you can do is give in to it, step right inside the storm, closing your eyes and plugging up your ears so the sand doesn’t get in, and walk through it, step by step. There’s no sun there, no moon, no direction, no sense of time. Just fine white sand swirling up into the sky like pulverized bones. That’s the kind of sandstorm you need to imagine.
And you really will have to make it through that violent, metaphysical, symbolic storm. No matter how metaphysical or symbolic it might be, make no mistake about it: it will cut through flesh like a thousand razor blades. People will bleed there, and you will bleed too. Hot, red blood. You’ll catch that blood in your hands, your own blood and the blood of others.
And once the storm is over you won’t remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won’t even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won’t be the same person who walked in. That’s what this storm’s all about.”
The three factors that I mentioned previously that hinder me from attending universities abroad cannot be altered unless God decides to give me way from a source nearly impossible for my own capability to reach. But on the other hand, the effort I have given myself into aren’t necessarily washable or easily ignored: an analogy would be someone having second thoughts a week before their wedding after preparing the ceremony.
And I was that person.
Even though I’m completely aware of this, I somehow managed to convince myself that whatever happens, whichever university I attend, I will try to remain grateful and thankful. As someone who’s quiet stubborn and hopeful of her dreams, it’s not an easy thing to do. Heck, back then I would even say things such as, “Oh I don’t know what I would do if I had to stay behind in Indonesia for college. I think I might be depressed. Mental, even.” But now, none of those things really matter and I doubt I would feel the same as I did in the past.
You might be wondering how? Well, I think I mostly owe my sincerest gratitude to my friend Bagasrafi who passed away last month for being a great reminder to me. A reminder that life is truly brief and that we shouldn’t ponder too hard on these worldly matters; that at the end of the day, putting our trust in God and being concerned over the Hereafter is what truly matters.
(My statement above does not mean you shouldn’t be concerned about the exams and university admissions though! You should. Because it’s tough. And hopefully that serves as a reminder for you to continue studying and praying hard!)
After having a new perspective of this dilemma, at first I wanted to completely ignore the idea that I still have documents to submit to those six foreign schools. I wanted to simply forget that I ever wasted so many dedications in making it to submitting my application. But I decided that it was wiser to continue the admission process until a letter of acceptance is given to me.
So what now, Zee? Well…what other choices do I have? Apply here, in Indonesia.
Where will you be going? Hopefully either one from these three: UI, ITB, UGM. And if you were wondering which class I’ll be taking, I’ll most probably be taking FEB (Fakultas Ekonomi Bisnis) international class.
By the way, which universities abroad have you sent your applications to? Tons! Here they are:
And yes, I did all of the application procedure myself, along with some help from my English teacher as I needed a counsellor to sort out the transcript. I hereby declare another beginning of tackling university admissions in which I will try to document them in words right here, in this blog.
Today I want to write to you about a topic that many of my relatives and friends ask me the moment they realize I’m a senior in high school. It is never a simple topic to begin with considering how much of a dilemma it has given me, but I have always wanted to write about it sort of as a way to get it out of my chest. And as you can tell from the title of this blog post, it’s about: where I am going to for college.
If you don’t know me in real life, then you wouldn’t know that I personally really want to study in America ever since I was a child for many reasons not a lot of people can understand, apart from the general knowledge that America is the heart of numerous of leading campuses in the world. Now that I’m a senior (12th grader), I decided to begin searching for universities that placed a seat in my heart, and ended up applying to four schools in America and two in Canada.
The application procedure isn’t at all difficult in my opinion -it is stressful, yes I understand, but because these universities have very informative websites, I didn’t find any trouble in finishing my applications. And in case any of my readers are interested in applying to America, I advice you begin your research as soon as possible and take the exams that are required such as the SAT (if you’re not under the American curriculum) and IELTS. Then, open the Common Application for more information on applying to universities. You can also find helpful articles there such as how to pay for college, exploring different schools and even virtual tours around the campuses! So do plan ahead, because college is something that you cannot take lightly. Besides, it is always good to be prepared in a journey than not.
That being said, I reckon you might now be wondering why it’s a dilemma for me if it wasn’t at all difficult. Well, here comes the tricky part.
Firstly, I am a Muslim, and a young female one at that. Therefore, travelling to a faraway country cannot be done without a Mahram according to Islam. Even though I have relatives there and I have spoken to them about this topic, they too seem to advice me to stay for now. Secondly, the financial place my family is at isn’t amazing enough to handle purchasing this long term commitment despite the fact that it could with a few determinations. I suppose it’s the same for everyone who wants to study in America where most schools cost an average of $33,215 (or Rp 444,000,000) annually, unless you come from a family where a string of five-digit numbers for a school year is a piece of cake. Thirdly, and controversially one of the reasons I chose this particular country, it is very far away from Indonesia.
Though I’ve known these factors long before sending in my applications, I was reluctant to accept them and always tried to reason to my parents about it as if they weren’t clear enough. It took many months of delusion for me to finish my requirements to apply to those 6 foreign universities. I took the SAT, IELTS and several of Cambridge IGCSE’s that truthfully took a lot of hard work and money. Plus, if I were to calculate the total amount of money my father had spent in paying for the application fees for all 6 schools, he’s spent around $490. It may not seem much until you convert it to Indonesian Rupiah whilst adding the payment fee.