Pindah dari Bandung

It’s the start of a new semester for ITB (and a deadline for two articles I have to write for Luminaire) in three days – the first semester that I will not be joining. The idea sits uncomfortably in my heart: the fact that I’m not part of it anymore. But alas, two years have passed. That is as much as I can get.

Meanwhile, my new semester in Groningen will begin on the first Monday of September. I am both scared and excited, as I am with new things.

Being an international student and continuing our degree in a new campus feels a lot like re-entering university, except that we already have. It’s a second chance for those whose campus-life here wasn’t so satisfying, but a sad farewell for those whose were. I belong more to the latter, which I never thought I would be, considering my initial dislike towards attending university here. But I tragically am. I was the only one from my class who did cry (pretty badly) when it was time to hug each other goodbye. It was really at that moment that everything finally, completely, sank into my mind that I will never have a class with them again – full team. And though I may not be very close with each of my classmate, the harmony of us being together in a class is one that I was not ready to let go of. I only finally cooled down after a solid hour.

The day after, I went with a friend on impulse to attend this farewell party that a classmate of mine held in celebration of us parting ways with the regular students. Ironically, only 6 out of 33 international students came, and the remaining handful of dozens were the regular students. Which, in the end, became fair as soon as I learned that there were several of them who will be studying overseas for the next semester too, participating in an exchange programme that’ll last until January next year. It was an interesting experience overall as someone who never goes to such things. I liked it for the conversations it made me have.

In the afternoon of the 7th of August, I moved out of my kosan: packing everything I need after donating and recycling what I don’t. It was the greatest exercise I’ve ever done in a year. My brother and his girlfriend came to pick me up and we arrived at my house a little after 7 or 8PM.

Now, it is a week later, and my flight to The Netherlands is less than two weeks away.

I don’t know what to feel.

There are many things I have yet come to terms with. Like not being able to go to class with Haikal anymore, a dear friend of mine who often picks me up with his scooter when I don’t have enough cash for a Go-ride; no more strolling around Jalan Ganesha and Jalan Tamansari in between and after classes, be it alone or with Nahdia, thinking and conversing about silly things that bring ease to the heart; not seeing Ghany every now and then for a competition or something that he comes up with out of the blue (like our last rendezvous at Kineruku!); no longer tagging along Haekal, Bisma, and Frans from Studio Remmi for when they go to cafes to work at night; and not attending the “compulsory” himpunan events, like faculty orientation and parade wisuda, which as much as I claim to hate, I enjoy coming to and provenly never miss. These things may seem insignificant to you, childish even that I grieve so much about, but they make me truly happy and safe. I hadn’t felt that way in so long.

Living alone in Bandung had always been so fun, so pleasing. Never had I ever been “homesick” throughout the two years that I was there, because I was able to build a home by myself. I cherished every moment that passed, making sure to always soak them into my skin, imprinting everything within.

And I guess, this is it. Thank you for two years!

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“Your bag was secured before the ends of the earth were decided on. You’re chasing things that are already yours. Walk in your purpose. Align yourself with the things you know you’re called to do. Stop stressing over things that have already been written.
Just walk in it.”

Number 2

Surat kedua – terakhir untuk sementara.

A year ago now, since you came to me in August to ask about film cameras. For the most part, you “succeeded” in making me “yours”. My mind travels to the thought of being with you and no one else. My fingers quiver at the remembrance of brushing against your skin and no one else’s. Your love (or desire? Whichever is more bearable for you) was pure in the most devastating way: weak and unwilling. Enough to make me hopeful. Never enough to make it real.

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Ruang Seduh / Nikon FM – Fuji Industrial 100

A week ago you confessed to me of all your stories. Finally letting me know that you were just the same. Shallow, easy and without faith. Only a lot shyer than I would like, but still carrying a broken home.

You remind me of the last person I loved more than I care to admit. Perhaps it had taken me this long to admit because I was afraid that it was true. Afraid that you would eventually hurt me too. But alas, you do. And alas, you did. One at a time. Only realising what you have done once I stop responding – cutting things in between. And once you come back, again, I stay. And once you come back, again, you disappear.

Sepertinya, kita tidak pernah benar-benar selesai dengan kita.

Mengulang adegan jatuh dan berpura-pura tidak ketika sadar betapa bodohnya jatuh kita. As if falling for one another was so sinful. As if wanting to be together was so impossible.

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Masagi Koffee / Nikon FM – Fuji Industrial 100

Tapi mungkin, memang ini yang terbaik untuk sekarang. Untuk tidak jatuh terlalu dalam. Sebatas menyentuh nama dan tanggal lahir. Cerita tentang teman namun tidak pernah saling mengenalkan. Bertemu untuk berbincang dengan kata-kata yang sudah dipersiapkan dan tidak lebih dari itu. Mungkin, waktu untuk bersama bukan sekarang

– jika memang kita dituliskan untuk bersama.