Terkadang aku teringat
oleh kehangatanmu yang dulunya menunggu
tanganku yang selalu dan terlalu mudah dingin
untuk mencari jalannya ke punggungmu.
Tubuhku yang mudah loyo dan sakit,
menemukan sedikit kesembuhan di dadamu.
Mungkin karena itu, agak sulit membiasakan diri
dengan ketidakadaannya kehadiranmu.
Kabar bahwa aku tidak lagi dapat menggenggammu
memukulku bagai bencana dari kejauhan.
Padahal, tidak pernah ada tempat untukmu.
If only we knew the things that we know now: the things we know after everything has ended. Too bad that’s never to happen. Too bad we never know better until we know better. Too bad we must first be at a fault to know the faults we now think are unavoidable but are really not. Too bad we must first be entangled in the strings of consequences before knowing them. Too bad we’re too human. Things like this come to mind when I’m upset about missing what’s no longer mine.
And I miss everything about holding you. I may never have the chance to have you in my arms again, even with the memories of you unmoving within me, and I have accepted that. You were painful, that is true. But you were also part of the things I’m most grateful of.
Thank you for allowing me to know better.
A conversation with Nahdia,
about the ending.
Zee: “I rewrote what you said to me and I’m going to memorize it so that I won’t make another mistake. Not that he was a mistake. In fact, I see it as a blessing. A memory. An encounter I will remember and which I will learn from.”
Nahdia: “I want you to find someone not because you want to be held, you want to be embraced, you need the physical presence… That’s nice. It’s really nice to have that. But I want you to find someone because you’re trying to find someone–
not just a being
or a thing.
I want you to be comfortable with the person not because of his physical availability. But for him, for you:
someone to hold you because it’s you
not because you need to be held.”