Letters from those who are heartbroken no.2

I was thinking about you in the afternoon of the last day of the national examination. But along the way, I realized something odd about my thinking of you. So I wrote a letter for you that day, intending to make it my last for you.

13 February 2017

For someone who I once knew to be thoughtful,

bloody stupid

Photographed by Jerry Hsu: A Love Like Mine is Hard to Find

You know —now that my memory is growing ever so distant and you seem to be clearer in my mind, you were nowhere near special. You owned no distinctive features and you liked all sorts of different things that didn’t have a place in my heart. You also had a depressingly bad taste in music, which I hate and which I couldn’t do anything about. I also doubt you even read books. Now that I’m thinking of you after everything has passed, I wonder what the importance of our encounter was. There seemed to be no shared meaning, and it passed so easily. It was simply the type of encounter that you become hopeful of at first, and slowly notice how painfully deluded you were for ever thinking that way. And writing this today, at this moment that I’m listening to a playlist I made under your *name, I almost wish we had never met. It could have been easier on me, and I could have spared a few more space for other people in my heart. So if you asked me whether or not I “remember” you, I will tell you that I don’t. Because I have chosen not to, the same way you had chosen to.

—ztap.

On Being Accepted to UMass Lowell

University of Massachusetts Lowell was the first university I sent my application to. I learned about this university through a cousin who graduated from the school earlier and thought it would be a suitable idea for me to apply there too. I first attempted to apply through early decision but had it transferred to regular decision because I haven’t sent all of the required documents yet. *surprise!* After awhile, I had been emailed again to send some additional materials for further evaluation. So I sent them my IGCSE’s and the first semester of my senior year grades. After they promised me 5-7 business days to complete the evaluation, they sent me an email on the 6th of April.

Because of the time difference, it was nearing midnight when I received the email. I had attempted to read the whole email before my droopy eyes went back to sleep. And I did! And it read:

Dear Zahra,

Congratulations!

It is my pleasure to accept you to the University of Massachusetts Lowell for the fall of 2017 semester with the major of Business Administration. The admission committee was impressed by the academic ability and personal qualities you demonstrated in your application materials. We believe you will make the most of the abundant opportunities available to you here and look forward to welcoming you to campus. (…)”

Similar to Bryant University, I chose the major Business with a concentration in Management Information Systems which I will write about in the future, Inshallah. But unlike Bryant University, I didn’t receive any awards that would help cut the tuition fee. I also didn’t really put enough effort in applying for scholarships due to the overwhelming amount of other things I had to do at the time. The funny thing is, UMass Lowell’s tuition for out-of-state students almost equals to Bryant University’s tuition with the awards they’ve given me. So basically, UMass Lowell seems to be a lot friendlier in terms of tuition and costs.

The campus is also not so far away from my uncle’s home. My cousin who previously attended the school told me that it was legitimately only “20 minutes away”, which is great because that means I’m closer to family. But still, regardless of which university suits my heart better, I am still waiting for an epiphany about this decision. Because as I have mentioned many times before, this isn’t something that should be taken upon lightly. At least not for me, because college is very important, especially noting how my choice of destination is across the world with an entirely different atmosphere. If say, my choice was to stay in Indonesia, it wouldn’t be as overwhelming.

So that’s all I had to talk about. There’s not much I can tell you right now, because obviously I haven’t made a decision and I feel like it’s much more comfortable for me to keep these sort of things discreet until they’re sorted out.

Thank you for reading my post! If you have any questions regarding anything related to what I put in this blog, please feel free to comment or email me something. I hope you’ll have a lovely night. May peace be upon you.

…to be continued.