Terkadang aku teringat
oleh kehangatanmu yang dulunya menunggu
tanganku yang selalu dan terlalu mudah dingin
untuk mencari jalannya ke punggungmu.
Tubuhku yang mudah loyo dan sakit,
menemukan sedikit kesembuhan di dadamu.
Mungkin karena itu, agak sulit membiasakan diri
dengan ketidakadaannya kehadiranmu.
Kabar bahwa aku tidak lagi dapat menggenggammu
memukulku bagai bencana dari kejauhan.
Padahal, tidak pernah ada tempat untukmu.
Kesunyian di bawah langit sore Jakarta,
dengan kemacetannya yang membuta.
Semua jauh dari sini,
tidak ada yang kukenal kecuali
keinginanku untuk pergi.
Lihat, warna oranye di langit
Ia bersembunyi. “Ingin istirahat,” katanya.
Sekarang waktunya ungu dalam kegelapan
untuk mengambil alih sang langit.
Kesunyian di bawah langit malam Jakarta,
dengan kemacetannya yang membisu.
Engkau adalah sebuah perasaan yang
tidak bisa ditemukan di kota lain.
Layaknya seperti kamu yang sudah
jarang kutemui lagi. Wajahmu mulai
memudar dan menghilang dari
ingatanku. Aku telah lupa akan
rasanya bersamamu, walau kamu
masih jelas dan teriak didadaku.
As a token of apology for disappearing once more on this platform, I wish to offer you two Indonesian poems that I wrote recently to ease the calamity within my heart. You may notice that both writings seem to be about someone and about a particular feeling. And that is true. However, along the way of the second poem, I had lost meaning to who I was writing this for. It is no longer about the same person, it is no longer about anyone. Or at least anyone I wish to remember.
My pattern of writing should let you know by now that the third semester has ended. Funny, isn’t it? How deceptively quick time is. I can never get used to its fleeting nature. But alas, I am here –shoved inside my room for a bit of a rest for what seems like a never-ending flu and fever. Still in Bandung too, shall I say. And before I move on to doing more important things, I thought I ought to write.
Odd as it is, the third semester began with an ending. I lost a familiarity that was once dear to me due to my unreasonable foolishness as a human being. And because of my childish naivety which has yet to disappear from who I am as a person, despite knowing entirely of its unavoidable nature and its consequent hurting, it hit me harder than ever. It took a lot of courage for me to finally be okay again. At the same time that I was losing one familiarity and pretending that I was unscathed, I began to develop some form of uneasiness towards a lot of people. I couldn’t bear being near certain people. It was a bothersome and unexplainable feeling and it only made me withdraw myself from everyone else again. I do not wish to self victimise, but this I knew was not their fault. The weight of the sin is entirely on my part.
In all honesty, I do not forgive myself for opening up to people who were never really there: the sacrifices I have made for people who won’t even bother to care, people who never intended to stay. I do, however, forgive myself for needing such a painful event to occur to understand better.
Luckily, amidst all the blinding uncertainty, one thing that I am fondly grateful of is how easy the subjects in this short semester were. We had Financial Accounting, Economics with its micro and macro (by far my favourite), and Introduction to International Business. I had never thought I could get excited for an exam, but the third semester proved me otherwise. Though we haven’t received our final grades yet, I am hopeful and borderline confident that I have done well.
There weren’t a lot of prominent events in this semester other than my constant breaking down and a sudden will to study a lot as a means to acquire good grades which I have found to be immensely gratifying. Though I must admit, attending a Ted x ITB conference and being a UADC 2018 committee was quiet memorable. So was the calm before the storm.
In case you were curious, below is an excerpt of how I overcame that storm.
Do you ever realise, with that sick sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, that perhaps this whole time, they could never bring themselves to appreciate you let alone the things that you give because they never wanted to receive anything from you? They never wanted it to be you. But since you were the only one that was there, and you were so in need of company, they can’t help but accept. Maybe they just felt bad for you all along. That’s why it was so easy for them to leave without feeling guilty. That’s why this, whatever hell this is, occurred.
When the shore finally calms down and you can now see the horizon clearly, you start to run away from them out of plain fear that they will hold you and cut whatever parts of your body are in their hands. Little did you know that the sand was still wet and that running would only make you fall. So now you lay atop the seashore, far too hurt to stand up again. Soon it will be the evening, and you will be buried under the high tides. You start to cry helplessly, but that only contributes to your drowning.
Know this, dear: you do not need to run. You do not need to withdraw your entirety from their company and cut ties. It may have been a fault to have trusted them too much, but know that you can always withdraw parts of you that you don’t want to lose, and try as much as you can, to give without giving too much; to accept their decisions without a heavy heart, knowing entirely that in the end, everyone is the same. Everyone will always return to themselves.
You too, are the same.
p.s. for those who have shown genuine concern towards my wellbeing, in health and in mind, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for thinking about me. You are one of the reasons I am still here.